HeadSpace

Going with the flow means...

2009-11-05T00:15:00.002-05:00

...taking it one step at a time.
...trusting your instincts.
...having faith in yourself.
...letting people know what you need right now.
...accepting help.
...saying "Yes, and..."
...having a sense of humor.
...plunging in now, intellectualizing later.
...discovering your own strength.
...honoring your feelings.
...feeling the love.

Change

2009-10-01T20:39:00.003-04:00

It's hard...
Wanting everything to change
And not wanting anything to change.

It's confusing...
Wishing others were more evolved
And knowing I have a long way to go.

It's frustrating...
Taking risks
And hiding
At the same time.

I don't know what to do next.
I don't know how to navigate my future.
I want it to look different.
And I want it to stay the same.

I want to want different things.
I want the things I did to be okay.
I want the choices I made to be the right ones.
I don't want to know otherwise.
I don't want to be devastated at the truth.
I don't want to fail.
But this fear keeps me from searching.
Deeper.

Fat and sweaty

2009-07-27T02:26:00.005-04:00

You were a hottie back then.
Now, you're just fat and sweaty.
And I'm glad.

Time takes time

2009-02-13T03:11:00.002-05:00

I'll never know why
I'll never know how much
I'll never know what if

Moving through
Pushing through
Crawling through
Crying through

I'm told there's a light
Past this tunnel
I've seen it before
So it must be true
But it's hard to believe
In the darkest chamber
This tunnel goes for miles
Or does it?

I welcome that light
And my twinkling eyes
Can't force it
Can't rush it
Beat up
Beat down

Anger
Silence
Regret
Resentment
Mourning what never was
Fantasy You = awesome
Tender
Loving

Real You = ?

Anger.

Silence.

Surrender

Detachment

Perspective

My smile again.

What's that light?

Cleft chin

2009-01-25T02:25:00.005-05:00

Don't see much of them lately
Not like yours
Almost like a cartoon
But sexy
Multi-racial face
So young
So.
Young.
I couldn't be old enough to be your mom
Could I?
Nah
I ain't that old
Am I?
What are you reading?
Where are you going?
Like the leather jacket
It suits you
Well.
Here I am
Across from you
Trying not to stare
Oh, this is your stop.
(Crap)
Enjoy your day
Tender vittle.

That's what I'm talkin' about

2008-10-19T23:36:00.001-04:00

Lets101 - Dating Free Online

Haiku corner: Growth spurt

2008-10-19T23:07:00.002-04:00

It's been quite a year
Can't quite grasp the lessons yet
But they sure are huge

I've been so busy
I don't know what's happening
Outside of my world

Reassurance is
Something I must give myself
Only from within

I understand grief
The being fine then sobbing?
I must embrace it

I feel so different
I've become the butterfly
Pretty and naive

Why do I check out?
Everybody waits for me!
Get it together!

Rose-colored glasses
You forced me to rip them off
What do I do now?

Once I bared my soul
I felt much closer to you
Could finally sleep

You are teaching me
Whatever I need to learn
School is in session

Can it really be
The things I always wanted
I don't want at all?

Has HE been at rehearsal?

2008-08-16T14:38:00.004-04:00

I'm used to getting spam e-mails telling me how I can enlarge my penis. Who doesn't want to enlarge their penis? So, I get these e-mails a lot. But not until today had I received an e-mail actually from Penis. MY penis? You know when your actual penis starts sending you an e-mail you need to pay attention. The subject line was "better performance." Maybe my penis is telling me how to be more truthful in my acting? Hm.

Where in the world...?

2008-07-24T18:31:00.009-04:00

You may have noticed my absence. You may not have. Regardless, I'm fine. I'm healthy, I'm happy. In fact, seeds I've sown from years past feel like they're finally coming to fruition. So, I guess I'm busy living my life and writing less about it. However, here are two things that have been taking up my time lately. One is a plug, and the other is just a sad fact.

Firstly, I officially start rehearsing next week for an amazing play called BEAST. It's written by the legendary Michael Weller, directed by the incomparable Jo Bonney, and boasts a cast of heavy hitters including Raul Aranas, Jeremy Bobb, Lisa Joyce, Logan Marshall-Green, Larry Pine, Corey Stoll, and yours truly. It runs at the New York Theatre Workshop from August 29th through October 12th.

Click here for detailed ticket prices and info.

Click here for the official press release describing the play.

Secondly, in the beginning of June I succumbed to the latest global block party phenomenon affectionately known as Crackbook. Yes, folks. One of the reasons you hardly see me anymore is because I'm busy commenting on photos of people I haven't seen in years, checking up on what they're saying they're doing at any given moment, "sending cupcakes" to people, and instant messaging ("stalking" would be too harsh a term) people who are online at the same time I am! I'm on there a lot. In fact, when I start rehearsing eight hours a day next week, like, what am I gonna do? Create art? Have a life? Okay, I guess those are good things. But it's nice to have the Crackbook in the meantime.

I hope you, dear reader, are having a wonderful day.

"Last year? At theater camp...?"

2008-06-29T09:03:00.006-04:00

It's early Sunday morning and I've just concluded a four-day "retreat" away from the city, where theater luminaries gather to develop new plays. I cannot wipe the silly grin off my face. I mean who, I wondered, was possibly turning the wheels in Manhattan when all the movers and shakers were here in this little town up north, where there's only one watering hole and a bunch of us strangers living together, sharing a bathroom and kitchen? I've met the friendliest, most passionate group of people I've met in awhile, and I look forward to going back home with this gift, of lending my talents to something bigger than myself and making friends along the way. When I sit and think about it in the familiarity of my daily surroundings, I'll marvel at how the events of my whole life prior led up to these four days, and how these four days will lead to the next chapters.

Sodium bicarbonate

2008-06-19T19:28:00.005-04:00

Have you ever pondered baking soda?
Let's. Shall we?

I picked some up today in the baking aisle so I can make some scones.

However, for a mere 99 cents for a 16-ounce box, I can choose to also:

* Clean my counter tops if I mix it with water.

* Keep my food fresher in the refrigerator, by just having an open box sit in it.

* Brush my teeth. I know!

* Freshen my kitty's litter box by sprinkling it on the floor of the box under the litter.

* Help stabilize the pH in my swimming pool water. I am not making this up, people.

How does one chemical compound act as a cleanser and is safe to ingest all at the same time? I would never think to brush my teeth with the same thing I sprinkle in Oscar's litter box. But baking soda? It does it all. Brilliant. Of all earth's resources, this is one of the best ones ever.

Every now and then

2008-06-12T21:19:00.002-04:00

Every now and then, things go your way.
Sometimes, your instincts are spot on.
Now and again, your wildest fantasies come true.

When that happens, hold on, enjoy the ride, and try not to let go.

Rubber cork

2008-05-23T19:57:00.003-04:00

A rubber cork just ate my corkscrew.

Bought a (cheap) bottle of wine.
Kept screwing the thingie in there, and it kept coming out, like it was just making love to it or something. Cork didn't budge.

The last time I tried to pull it out, it plain broke off.
The metal screw part just broke off.
It's in there, hidden.
Can't even see it.

The bottle remains unopened.

Mourning

2008-05-23T17:43:00.010-04:00

Ending a show experience is hard for me. Painful. I suspect I chose a life of theater because I am co-dependent on the feelings it gives me, of bonding with new people, of validation and acclaim; and with these attachments comes loss when it comes to an end. I can prepare for it all I want, I can know it's happening, but it will still end, and I will still feel disappointment and loss. Inevitably I'll have also made it more miserable for myself by mentally if not physically (worse!) attaching to someone of the male species before it ends as it comes to the end, for reasons I have yet to figure out. (Will I be that person in a plane crash who, sensing my demise, will turn to the man next to me and jump his bones before I die?)

All I can do is hibernate a little bit, do laundry, eat popcorn, watch The Dog Whisperer, and slowly come back to me, the me that enjoys being alone, the me that doesn't need attention from the opposite sex, the me that doesn't need people to tell me how great I am and other things that go right out the window with the next new "family" that's formed before my very eyes, and with that family, euphoria followed by pain and disappointment. There must be a better way, a healthier way for me to life this life I love.

I am determined to find it.

Longevity

2008-05-15T10:29:00.006-04:00

I sat in the audience, last chair on the side. No obstructed view; my leg room was luxurious and comfortable. The three-hour play was no bore, and I realized why classics are classics. Good writing just is. And I laughed, and I vocalized grunts of understanding, and I held my breath, and I strained to listen, and I watched, and I empathized, and thoroughly enjoyed being shared with by skilled actors who know what they're doing. And I didn't even realize until the man stepped on stage that this marked an anniversary for me: I had seen James Earl Jones in Fences 20 years ago in San Francisco. He was already a legend then, and although I couldn't totally appreciate the play at the time, I knew I already appreciated the theater. 20 years later, he is still a force to be reckoned with. What a nice gift to myself.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

Next up, a Porsche and some hair transplants

2008-05-14T01:01:00.002-04:00

Clearly I'm having a midlife crisis.
I've been flirting lately only with guys more than a decade younger than I.
Since when did I become that dude?
The guy I used to date when I was the young'un and this whole thing was reversed?
Am I doomed to a life of seven cats and rowdy visits to Chippendale's?
Am I holding onto youth so tightly, it's become literal?
Am I such a commitment-phobe, that I'm drawn to people who were in grade school when I was already temping and paying rent in my Manhattan apartment?

I need to expand my horizons big time.

Good times

2008-05-11T12:05:00.006-04:00

It's awesome to star in a well-written play and chew up the scenery with only one other person. My theater company rocks.

Jaradoa Theater presents
The Small of Her Back
by Russell Leigh Sharman

Featuring Eileen Rivera & Jeremy O'Grady

The 411 Theater
300 West 43rd St., 4th Floor
New York City

Fridays-Mondays, May 9-12 & 16-19 - 8 PM
Tickets $18, 212-868-4444 or www.smarttix.com

Press releases:
Playbill.com
Broadway World

Fallout

2008-04-12T22:19:00.003-04:00

laughter expands
crescendo
belonging
one with the world

bang

sink low, low, low
shock
choke
pretend
wonder
but never ask
what do they think of me?
and
is it bad?

it's bad!

if they go away
when
when
when I mean

what did I do?

no matter
how good
i must be
deep down
just
bad

alone = easy
alone alone
alone with people

no difference
no escape

no clues
no discussion
no say

end of day
end of days
left alone
to control
control
control
what I can
nothing

except being alone

Tip of the year

2008-04-03T22:44:00.002-04:00

New to New York?
The subway lurches when it leaves the station.
So, please.
For the love of god.
Hold onto something after the doors close.

Thank you.

And welcome!

Ambivalence is war

2008-03-29T09:50:00.002-04:00

Me1: It's 7:30 AM on a Saturday. Are we really getting up and at 'em?
Me2: Yes. Swim class is at 9 AM and we feel so good when we're there and when it's over.
Me1: Well, sleep a little longer.
Me2: We have to leave the house at 8:20 at the latest.
Me1: Yeah, yeah. Done and done. We don't need much time to roll out of bed and get out.
Me2: You're right.

Me2: Oh crap, I need to make breakfast for afterward. It's 8:15.
Me1: That's okay. You can leave late and still make it. The teacher's always late anyway.
Me2: Okay.

Me2: Dang it, we missed the train.
Me1: (Yippee!) I mean, darn. We'll be late, but the class doesn't care if we're late.
Me2: You're right.

Me2: Now we're 15 minutes late. I shouldn't even step in the door of the gym.
Me1: You're already here. Just go.
Me2: No. Forget it. You made me leave late. We should've left at 8:20.
Me1: {mockingly} "We should've left at 8:20."
Me2: This is a no man's land. I should've either gotten it together or flaked on the class for real and stayed in bed! I hate you!
Me1: There's always next week.
Me2: We can't think that way!
Me1: Yeah, we can! Frickin' perfectionist!
Me2: Saboteur!

{continue ad nauseum}

No End.

Client No. 9

2008-03-12T10:44:00.003-04:00

I remember where I was when I first learned of Eliot Spitzer's, my governor's, indiscretions. I was at the office passing by the break room which had CNN on the television and something about him being linked to a prostitution ring. Something about it was very ominous. No words like "alleged" or "smear campaign" or anything like that. It seemed very straightforward. I took a double-take and said to my co-worker, "What? What does that even MEAN? I don't know what that MEANS." But I was biding time as I absorbed shock. I knew what it meant. It meant he was a hypocrite.

I bought his whole image hook, line, and sinker. When he was the attorney general, combating corruption on Wall Street, running around like Batman himself, I loved reading about it. When he ran for governor, I voted for him. My female co-worker and I giggled like two schoolgirls when he was elected. What a bright future, I thought. We'd never know what one year later would uncover: Approximately $80,000 spent over possibly a decade to something called Emperors Club VIP. Are you kidding me?

Adultery as a concept, that's not what ruffles my feathers. I mean, we're human, and marriages are fragile. But the time and energy and money spent to keep up such a deception, breaking the law, and being able to compartmentalize one's feelings enough to be able to separate the girls from Emperors Club VIP and the four women living at home...boggles my mind. It dumbfounds me. He has teenage daughters, for the love of Christ. Daughters not much younger than the "employees" of this "agency." What must the family be going through right now? Oh, the future therapy bills.

This is such big news here. New Yorkers were dumbstruck. And now it's like we're all holding our collective breath while he's holed up somewhere deciding his fate. Seriously, reporters are asking each other, "You heard anything? You heard anything?"

Well...looks like we'll soon have our very first African-American, blind Governor!

Say hello to my leetle fren'

2008-02-15T21:52:00.010-05:00

I'm just sayin'.

What'd I do without her before?

It's also my first foray into Laptop Land.

I know; desktops begone!

*sigh* She's awesome.

Post Script - in finding this image for this post, I was amused to learn that I know the person in the green striped shirt pictured on the screen. Small world.

Remember when Matthew Fox was on SNL...

2008-02-03T01:29:00.000-05:00

...and there was that skit about him being in an elevator and everyone who got in the elevator recognized him and started speculating about all things Lost? Well, I was watching my taped season premiere of Season 4 of Lost tonight (and forgot to tape Eli Stone...argh!) when I remembered that several weeks ago I was riding the elevator on the way to my bank, when I realized I was sharing it with...Michael Emerson.

And the doors closed.

And we rode.

Just the two of us.

And I stood silently and innocently by, wondering if I should say anything like, "I'm a big fan," (sigh) "Hey, we have a couple people in common," (really?) or, "I love your work." (yeesh) Instead, I stared at the numbers on the elevator change as we rode up, all the while thinking, "BEN! OH MY GOD, YOU'RE BEN! BEN FROM THE ISLAND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN NEW YORK CITY; AREN'T YOU AT LEAST SUPPOSED TO BE IN HAWAII OR EVEN BETTER SOME FARAWAY PLACE THAT DOESN'T EXIST ON A MAP?!!!"

And then something really exciting happened next!!!!

Not really.

I filled out a deposit slip and put some money into my checking account, and he did some kind of transaction concerning probably, oh, money or something. And when that was finished, I went about my merry way, while BEN WENT BACK TO THE ISLAND TO DESTROY SOME PEOPLE.

I mean, Mr. Emerson went home or...somewhere.

Victory is a pantsuit

2008-01-30T22:37:00.000-05:00

I had a very easy gig on a soap opera today.
I didn't have to memorize anything.
As the "stenographer," I just watched people argue.
But I had my own dressing room where I could
Nap
Eat
Read
Wish I owned a laptop.
I met nice people
And got fussed over.

The best part was the wardrobe guy,
Who literally said,
"Okay. I'll pull some stuff from wardrobe for you.
What are you, a size zero?"

Stop. Zoom. Reverse.
Slow motion playback.
What...are...you...a...size...zero...?

I stammer and look away.
"Oh, no. A two or a four."
He sizes me up, this man who works
With size-zero actresses for a living.

"Hm, I think you're a zero."
He leaves the room.

I gloat.
Really? He does?
He's wrong, but he does?
Oh, happy day!

He puts me in a to-die-for forest green
Theory pantsuit, size two.
We both gush.
We agree I should own one.
"The pants are perfect," he oozes.

I go on my merry way
Feeling like a supermodel.
It doesn't matter that I'm freezing all day,
Bored, and sleepy.

All that matters is that six months ago,
I was a size eight.

I am victorious in a size-two pantsuit!!!

P.S. I've come a long way from a year ago.

Inside you the whole time, Dorothy

2008-01-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

"Instead of waiting for life to happen, I will invite life in by honoring and respecting myself."

I wrote that.
I wrote that so I could meditate on it sometimes.
Once, maybe twice a day, depending on how much reminding I need.

In July 2006 I joined my gym.
The atrium swimming pool was what sold me.
I wanted to "re-learn" how to swim.
I learned as a kid, then never kept it up.
Took an Adult Beginner class.
Loved it.
Great teacher (a kid, practically!).
Improved me immediately.
Outgrew it.
The next year, she gently kicked me out.
Said she taught an Intermediate class.
Saturdays, 9 AM.
Quickly found seven reasons not to go.
(All seven: I will be sleeping.)
Someone else taught another Intermediate class.
A more convenient weekday evening.
I went to that.
Nice guy (another kid!), but different.
A "go, go, go!" kinda guy.
A little over my head, but I'd forge on
Despite a little dread.
(And by a little, I mean a lot.)
Finally, after yet another class
Of cramping muscles and unfinished laps,
I decided to check out the other class,
Back to my former instructor
And hopefully my sanity.
(And, truth be told, enjoyment.)

Cut to:
8 AM Saturday morning.
Me, in bed.
Saying to me, "You're not really going to do this, are you?"
And me saying back to me, "Come on. Just do it.
Life is short. Look at Heath Ledger."
"Oh, playing the death card, eh?"
"Damn right," I said to me.

So I did it.
I ate a piece of toast
And went to the gym.
Which is not in my neighborhood.
At 9 AM.
On a Saturday.
And LOVED the class.
"No pressure," my favorite instructor said.
"Let me know if anything's too much."
Now, that's more like it!

I felt so empowered, so productive,
That the rest of my day was just as great.
You really can accomplish so much before noon!
What a concept.
I was so inspired, that I set the alarm today, too.
Sunday. My day off.
Just so I could get going earlier.

Not waiting for life to happen!
I think '08 is gonna be awesome. :o)