Haiku Corner: New beginnings

Day of my birthday,
First day of rest of my life
Age my father died

Brand new family
Our own theater company
In from the ground up

I leaned into you
Knowing it would change it all
Lead me to unknown

I want to learn now,
Instead of proving myself
To the whole planet

Anticipation
There's nothing like this feeling
Anticipation

4:30 AM

Insomnia is weird.

For me, if I hadn't inadvertently ingested something with caffeine, and I find myself just not going to sleep at all, no matter what sleeping aids I take, no matter how tired I am, I have to ask myself what I'm anxious about. This morning at 4:30 I had to have this conversation with myself. And it always turns out to be a myriad of things. Like, I have four things to do tomorrow and realize I really don't want to do them all. So, not sleeping now is forcing me to sacrifice one of them in a few hours. Or, I'm anticipating the great news that one of my best friends got cast in his big-break film, and...at the same time, I don't want to know, maybe. Because I'd be facing my own lack of big-break film. Or, my affection-starved body was so happy to be fed earlier tonight, and adrenaline has not abated. And, I hope this cough isn't a sign of something else: un-rest, dis-ease. Because I see the Change at the bottom of the cliff. I just have to step off. Not even jump, just walk off, close my eyes, and enjoy the breeze on the way down.

Unexpected

So, I saunter into the franchised sandwich shop and order one. I watch the person make it, I tell him what toppings to put on it, I grab my requisite bag of Sun Chips. I get to the cashier with my money. I notice that the cashier looks like he's got paperwork at the cash register/computer, staring at the screen with concentration, and my default thought is, "*sigh* He's gonna take forever to ring me up." The guy who made my sandwich and the cashier confer a bit about something that I can't hear and the sandwich-maker pushes my sandwich and chips toward me and says casually, "It's on the house."

Huh? It is? "Are you having computer problems?" I ask. The cashier says, "No," and starts to explain, but for one thing, he's speaking really softly, and for another, I can't even absorb what he's saying. I'm just in shock. They were really nice about it too, like, "Just take it!" I'm like, "Uh...a drink too?" He's like, "Just take a bottle from the fridge." "Wow," I said, "That never happens." I took a soda bottle from the fridge and left the shop having paid no money whatsoever. Then I berated myself for saying that this never happens. It just happened, didn't it? Watch your semantics! The universe is abundant! In New York City one can get free food f0r no reason! I walked down the street with a spring in my step. Maybe I can pay the kindness forward.

Yes and yes

I was on a bus this fine, sunny cold day on my way to see a friend's art exhibit when I passed by a new eatery. The awning/sign was bright and cheery in all its Dunkin Donuts-ness and the name made me stare in awe:

BURGERS & CUPCAKES.

That is the name of the restaurant: Burgers & Cupcakes.
I thought, that place is for ME!
When I was done looking at art, I came right back to Burgers & Cupcakes. Sure enough, it's what they serve. They have cute little take-out menus for you to peruse as you stand by the counter, but if you want to sit down, they have booths and tables and the menu is like a huge mural along the entire wall. No looking down reading something in your hand when you can stare at the wall while your waiter waits patiently as you peruse the different burger/cupcake (and breakfast versions of both) options. Their cupcakes come in cool flavors like Cinnamon, Carrot Cake, Banana Caramel, and Chocolate Raspberry Truffle, so although I wasn't yet ready to sit down and have a burger and a cupcake, I did buy a Cinnamon cupcake to go, to enjoy at my leisure later.

And boy...is it yummy.
Their website says for some reason that their cupcakes are "smallish," which I think is misleading. The first thing I thought when I saw those things were, "They're huge!" And they have custom-made to-go containers that keep the cupcake from falling to its side and losing its shape or getting icing all over a cardboard box or what have you.

How very exciting.
*sigh*
It's the little things.

Burgers & Cupcakes

Long day, long play, and flatulence

Today was a very busy day. It involved getting gussied up, wearing two outfits in one, busting out a Japanese accent, hair up, bumping into friends up for same role, walking with said friends to next appointment, bumping into yet another friend, thanking that friend for his on-camera audition advice, since I applied it just a few minutes earlier. Blazer or sweater? Headshot or postcard? Picture taken, hair down. Back out in the freezing cold, the day's objective not to slip and fall on the ice and slush. To the office. Type. "You look so pretty; do you have an audition?" Back out. Blazer or sweater? Headshot or postcard? Snap picture. Casting director's dog lets out huge fart. Stop. Slow motion. Jesus Christ; really distracting. Hi other friend, bye other friend. Finally can wear my hat and mess up my hair. Bank, cash check. Back to office. Type. Voicemail: "Instead of meeting just for dinner before the show, can we see a show before the show?" Pre-show show, snarf down food. Something I never expected my friend would ask me, "Would you like to be a founding member of my brand new theater company?" Mission statements, business models, high fives. Loooooong Broadway play, huge crushes on British actor we've never seen before (talent: the ultimate aphrodisiac!), home, type blog post with Letterman in background, in pajamas but leftover makeup and hair. Sleep will be long. Sleep will be hard.

Growing pains

I never thought I would need to
Set firm boundaries with you
But I can't move on
Unless I do so.
I'm going through a phase
Where everything you say
Pushes my buttons
I want to have
Compassion
Empathy
Objectivity
But all I want to do is
Shake you
And tell you to stop
Being a victim of other people's behavior
Reacting to things that are not in your control
Hoping things will take care of themselves.
YOU
HAVE
THE
POWER!
When will you use it?
The power is over yourself.
The power is over your reactions, even.
The power lies in taking responsibility
For your part
So you can know what's yours and what isn't
Instead of just being upset all the time.
I can't take it anymore.
My tolerance has officially expired.
No wonder I am here
And you are there.

I look forward to the day
I take my own advice
And don't wish to change you
Anymore.

Before there were blogs

Waiting on the subway platform today, I saw this written on a poster for the movie Norbit, in neat handwriting and perfect spelling:

"Proposed ban: Eddie Murphy never playing more than one character in a movie ever again."

"What are you, a size two?"

"Well," I sighed, "sometimes, depending on the dress. Zero, usually. Zero to two."

Okay, that didn't happen. I was, however, asked that very question today, and now am blogging about it for sheer posterity. The director of a performance I'm doing at a black-tie affair happens to live in my neighborhood. I bumped into her on the street and said, "Hey, I just sent you an e-mail. That teal gown I told you I owned and would wear? I went to try it on and saw that my cat had scratched it up." (Seriously, Oscar, bad kitty.) She said, "Well, maybe my costume designer can pull something from wardrobe. What are you, a size two?"

It was truly one of those moments where I wanted to look behind me to the right and to the left, to make sure she wasn't talking to one of the Olsen twins. At yesterday's rehearsal where I learned my three-part-harmonious song with two tiny, early-20s fresh-faced beings, I felt both old and fat. But today it was all erased. Of course I had to tell her the truth, what my real size is, but at least she was either deluded or polite enough to ask me that question first. Thanks, lady.

And speaking of NOT being a size two, and I say this with admiration and love, I just saw a show tonight called At Least It's Pink. It's a great theatrical show in the guise of a raunchy, one-woman cabaret act starring Bridget Everett, co-written by the executive producer of Sex and the City, with awesome songs, unflattering costumes, and a good time to be had by all. Oh sure they have a website and I could link you to it, but that's SO 2006. Check out their MySpace page. Listen to the songs. If you're in NYC, check it out. It's fun as hell.

Save your money

The next time you find yourself in the drugstore browsing for toothpaste and you go, "Huh, really? Citrus flavor? I wonder what that's like!" DON'T BOTHER. Have you ever brushed your teeth with some regular ol' toothpaste and then drank some orange juice? Remember how awful it was, that you vowed never to accidentally do that again? Well, someone decided to make a flavor outta that! Lucky us! I made this mistake folks, of being drawn to charming packaging and winning personality. And now I regret it when I put what tastes like a combination of Vicks Vapo Rub and Jolly Rancher into my mouth every day. Of course I'm not throwing it away. I paid good money for it. I'm like Jesus. I'm sucking it up to save you all. Now run along and stick with "mint."

See you in a London jail, and other thoughts of the day

Okay, seriously? Follow me to London and bring the handcuffs because I am ravishing this kid NOW. NOW. I don't CURR if he's thisclose to turning 18. I cannot WAIT for that. Life is too SHORT. GET ME IN A ROOM WITH HIM NOW. And hey; I am not just jumping on the Daniel Radcliffe bandwagon now that he's a hottie. I've written about this before. So believe you me; I'm seriously considering going to jail for this one. *sigh*

In other news, today was the day I craved McDonald's so badly it was all I could think about. From the time I left the house to actually getting my McNuggets, fries, and orange drink, to actually walking to work with it in my hot little hands, I could not get the salty, greasy un-goodness into my mouth fast enough. I had one mission and one mission only, to eat the stuff as though my life depended on it.

Also, I took that hip-hop class tonight. It was really fricking hardcore. I barely kept up with it, which is definitely better than it being unchallenging, but I think this specific class isn't for me. I'll try a different one in a couple weeks. It makes all the difference to find the right teacher and right-level class. And to stay with the comfort food theme, after the class I went right home and drank an ice-cold Yoohoo (in a CAN people; the only way to drink it).

Oh! I saved the best news for last without realizing it! Today I paid off all my debt. Debt that had begun accumulating and fluctuating since 1988, today is gone. That is cause for celebration I'm sure, but I'm reluctant to do so because I'm terrified that I'll just start new debt. But I have to have faith that I won't just stumble into debt. I will do my best to have a healthier relationship to my money. It won't be easy. This is why my financial advisor-slash-spinning-class buddy will be so helpful. This is why when I saw him twice yesterday I felt like it meant that I could rely on him more than I have, and ask questions any old time. It's his job, after all, to help me.

So, to summarize: Bust out the candle wax 'cuz Harry Potter is all growed up, McDonald's fries are addictive, hip-hop is fun but not easy, and I paid off all my debt. Tomorrow's another day.